Every Time It Rains
by Anna Maxwell
Summary: A different POV on the deaths of two of the pilots.


A/n: This is basically the same story as Chase's At Least It Rains, only from Anna's POV per her request. Still sad, still a deathfic, so you're still warned. And, as with Chase's, things in parenthesis is thought. Arigato, minna-san.  
  
1 Every Time It Rains  
  
I can't help but wonder why it seems that every time something good happens, something bad immediately follows it. We'd all been so happy, and it all ended so soon. Tears keep streaming down my face, even though I lost the will and strength to cry hours ago. My heart keeps beating to, luckily on it's own, or I would have lost the will and want to keep it going. I walk aimlessly, because I have nothing left to do.  
  
I stand quietly in front of their room. The door is shut; I know she isn't crying anymore. I don't even know if I should go in. For once, I don't know what to say. But I go in anyway.  
  
She's just lying there, not moving, not crying, but dying. Inside at least. We'd both lost part of our souls today. She knows I'm here, without ever looking up. I think empathy could actually be fact today, because we're both going through the same thing. At least I've got one consolation, but it won't help her.  
  
"Chase, you can't lay there in grief and self pity. It's killing you." I murmur. It was an ironic statement, since I was the one still weeping.  
  
It was like God Himself had to pull her up, but she sat up, and looked at me. Her eyes were empty and hollow. I could understand this time.  
  
"Self pity?" she echoes. Most of the time I can read her pretty well, but I can't today. I don't even have the strength to try.  
  
"Self pity?!" she repeats again. She's getting angry, but I don't know why. (Why is she yelling at me?) "Self pity!?!" Chase has said it three times now, and I'm wonder if that's what came out of my mouth. "You can't talk, Anna!" she screams.  
  
(I didn't do this to you, Chase-chan, for heaven's sake don't you think I feel it too?)  
  
She keeps on for a minute and then looks at me again. My face must have registered shock, and I suppose it should have. What was it; twelve years we'd know each other? And fought maybe twice? And now, of all times? I can't stand it, and I turn away.  
  
I'm crying again. (Pull yourself together, Maxwell.) I cringe at the thought of my own name. I turn back to her. "I've grieved, Chase." My own calmness surprises me, but I think of my name, his name… (Why wasn't I there?) (Why wasn't it me?) Because I'm not fighting for just myself anymore, that's why. "I know you are too, in your own way, but I won't allow you to kill yourself by doing so."  
  
It's her turn to look shocked, and she turns away from me this time. My own thoughts overwhelm me. Images of me holding him for the last time flood my brain like a bad home video. I tried to be soothing, really I did, but I… well, I was just hanging on so hard, like if I held him close enough it would be okay. I had maybe five minutes with him, before it was over. And he didn't even know, I didn't get a chance to tell him. There were a lot of things I didn't get to tell him. A lifetime of things, really. We're only nineteen.  
  
I don't feel hollow, like Chase does. I wasn't granted that privilege. Yes, that's right, privilege. I'm always feeling something, and sometimes I wish I could just turn it off. It hurts so much and I feel so isolated. And maybe abandoned.  
  
"I'm sorry, Anna," she whispers.  
  
My hand finds it's way to her shoulder. (I know. So am I.) But I try to be stronger for her, stronger for her than I was for Duo. It'll haunt me forever. I smile the best I can at her. "S'okay."  
  
We'll move back into our old room. It hurts to stay, it hurts to go, heck, it hurts to breathe. But she can't stay here. I can't stay there. We may as well hurt together, I suppose.  
  
Somehow we all found ourselves sitting at the dinner table as usual. Well, not as usual, because no one was talking. Or eating, besides me. And I only ate because I had too. Trust me, I really didn't want too. It was so different. No Duo, no Heero, no arguing, no nothing. She must miss him so much.  
  
"The funerals will be tomorrow. I thought it would be easier on everyone if they were right away." Quatre says softly.  
  
(Oh, no, please, not tomorrow. If you bury them they really won't come back.) My mouth rebels against my heart and thoughts. "Thanks for taking care of everything." I reply.  
  
He must have said something, but it was lost to me. He asked Chase if she was all right, and my stomach lurched. For pity's sake, she'd just lost her husband, her everything. What kind of question was that? A polite one that's what it was. I half expected her to blow up at him, but she just nodded. I would have blown up at him. I almost wished he'd ask me, I felt like hitting something right about now. Even though Quatre didn't deserve it.  
  
I look at Wufei and he smiles at me sadly from across the table. Poor Fei-chan, he'd watched it all happen, and couldn't do a thing to stop it. I smile just as sadly back, and push my food around for the fun of it. (Bloody war. We just couldn't have had ten, twenty, thirty years together, like normal people.) A bitter smile flicks across my face as I imagine my mashed potatoes the remains of the Mobile Dolls. (Why are you grieving, Anna? You knew it would happen one day. You even married Shinigami himself and you're grieving.)  
  
I feel a hand on my arm and I glance up. "Fei-chan," I murmur.  
  
"They're clearing the table, Anna. But you should eat some more of that." He says quietly. And he knows why, too.  
  
I smile bitterly at my mobile doll mashed potatoes again. "I can't, Fei-chan." I sigh, the temporary mirth gone.  
  
"Come on then." He says, pulling me from my seat.  
  
  
  
Personally, I've never been to a funeral. After today, I think I'll send a carnation and pay my respects at a later date. Tons of people were milling around the house at the reception. Ha. Reception. Receiving what? We'd lost everything.  
  
Chase and I certainly make a morbid pair. Both of us are wearing black from head to toe. I've got Duo's white turtleneck on, under my sweater. I couldn't help it; I just wanted to feel him somehow again.  
  
Diplomats. Almighty! I didn't know the world had some many of them. And they were all here to pay their respects to two men who their grandchildren would learn about in history books one day. Men they probably hadn't ever met. It makes me sick inside, to think about it. How they'll go home and have Sunday dinner and forget all about what happens today. Most of them will. I guarantee it.  
  
I did go to a memorial service, once. And I went home and had dinner and laughed, not thinking about earlier that day. It's easier not to think about it. But I swore I'd never forget.  
  
My hands start shaking. I can't stand being around all these people, when I'd rather be by myself at the moment. I know it sounds selfish. But weren't they selfish too? Living this way when the men who gave them their freedom were dead?  
  
Wufei comes and stands by me, putting an arm around my shoulders and a hand on my arm. I lean into him gratefully. It's a funny friendship we have, but I'm extremely thankful for it.  
  
"It'll never be the same, will it Fei-chan?" I ask.  
  
"No, Anna, it never will be. But it gets better, with time and friends." He replies.  
  
He would know, he lost Merian, and he was even so much younger than we are now. "And with a little justice, ne?" I tease softly.  
  
He chuckles lightly. "You're terrible." He says, shaking his head.  
  
Chase and I lock eyes briefly. There's a world of pain and sorrow behind the emptiness. She looks down. I watch as Millardo Peacecraft comes over and gives her the kind of comfort Wufei is giving me. It's a strange thing, really. After twelve years of being best friends, and helping each other through fight after fight, now of all times we draw comfort and support from other sources. Maybe later, when we both aren't so terribly lost, we'll find that strength in each other again.  
  
You could sail a boat on all the tears I cried just yesterday, and yet I can feel the all too familiar wet on my cheeks. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair. Wufei squeezes my shoulder.  
  
"I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong." He whispers.  
  
"What am I thinking then, Fei-chan?" I ask hoarsely through my tears.  
  
"You're thinking you should have been there sooner, you should have done something quicker, you should have fought harder, you should have died in his place." He tells me.  
  
"Maybe I should have." I reason.  
  
"Let me tell you something. If you had died in his place, what's to say he still wouldn't have died? Heero would have still died. We would have lost so much more." He whispers it, as if the thought pains him. (How could you be so stupid, Maxwell? How could you not see through your own pain this time to see that you and Chase weren't the only ones who lost something?)  
  
"I'm sorry, Fei-chan." I hear myself echo Chase's earlier apology.  
  
"You don't need to be. I see myself when I lost Merian when I look at the two of you. It will make you stronger, if you conquer it." He says.  
  
"Sound but harsh advice, my friend." I sigh.  
  
"Believe me, I know." He sighs as well.  
  
I see Relena Peacecraft across the room, crying. But I can't feel any sympathy for her. She would have never been happy, had she gotten Heero in the end. This could have never been her pain. She was born and bred to be a diplomat, marry a diplomat, and raise children to be diplomatic. I'm not putting it down; it's the way her path of life led her.  
  
We have to sneak out of the house, to avoid the media. They got close this time, but we aren't in the mood to have the grieving widow pictures all over the five-o clock news. If this had happened six years from now, we might have been a Kennedy assassination all over again. Fun thought.  
  
It's damp and cold at the grounds. The rain falls steadily, never changing, and never ceasing. I'm glad it's raining, it's like heaven is doing the last of my crying for me. Maybe Duo and Heero are crying for Chase and myself. It's beautiful, in an eerie sort of way. Rain pelting off other headstones, leaving droplets on the words of memory, and the flowers left by mourners. The grass sways under the gentle pressure of the wind, making it seem like angels are walking among the graves.  
  
I know what Chase thinks of death. She thinks of it as an ugly, misshapen demon that snatches and claws and leaves pain in its wake. And she's right. But I can't help but wonder if death like everything else has two sides. Death in a morbid way can be beautiful too. For some people I think it's a release from the pain on this earth. For others, death is a profession, to be studied and mastered. Death may be beautiful too. After all, Duo was.  
  
Relena speaks briefly, followed by Colonel Une. Millardo reads a few short poems written by children who heard of the deaths. Apparently they had been fans of all the gundams. Chase and I were not expected to speak because it was so soon. Everyone stands as two bugles play the traditional dirge, and our husbands are given the twenty-one-gun salute. They don't give flags, anymore.  
  
The service is over all too soon and people start to leave. (Got to get home for that dinner, ne?) (Easier to forget than handle the pain that you can't comprehend.)  
  
The other guys huddle at one end of the aisles and are speaking in hushed tones. They won't tell me what's going on for some reason. I make my way over to Chase.  
  
"The guys are discussing something. I'm not sure what, they keep changing the subject every time I go near." I tell her.  
  
She glances over, but the minimal spark of interest fades quickly. "We'll find out later." She murmurs.  
  
I wonder if later will be too late. I place a hand over my stomach. I've got one more final goodbye to make. I step out into the rain and let it fall on me. It feels good, like the only cleansing thing left in the world. I walk slowly over to where the two caskets are side by side.  
  
"Goodbye, Heero. Thank you for everything. You mean so much to her, and you always will." I say softly. I move over.  
  
"I guess this is it, Duo-chan. You have horrible timing as usual." I whisper, kneeling in front of it. "You'll never know him, now. He'll be like you, though. Your face, your eyes, your wit, and your personality. I'm sure of it. He'll make you proud, Duo. I loved you so much, Duo-chan." I lean my head on the wood for a moment. I kiss it, and then stand.  
  
Heaven can no longer compensate for my tears, and I take them back again. I walk backwards for a moment; then I turn and walk away. Tears falling down my face, I can't help but look back just one more time.  
  
Night falls and I find myself wandering around the grounds. There's really nowhere to go. (How long will you feel lost? And how can I be lost when I know where I am?) I see Chase, sitting by the pond. I smile slightly.  
  
"They made a cute pair, ne, Duo? It was just the job for us." I whisper. I walk up behind her.  
  
"Member the day we tried to dunk each other?" I say.  
  
"We were young." She replies.  
  
"I know." I sit next to her. "I miss him."  
  
We simply sit like that. No words, they really aren't needed. We know what we feel, and I'm afraid I'll start crying again if we do say anything.  
  
I hear several people come up behind us and we turn around. It's Fei- chan, Quatre, and Trowa, Relena and Millardo, and the girls we made friends with.  
  
Quatre steps forward. "We've been thinking. When you first came Dr. J said you could always go back to your own world. We figure that we can send you back to the time before you came here and it'll wipe your memories."  
  
"We can't do that. We can't just leave ya here." Chase says.  
  
"You won't remember us. Maybe someday you can return and have things turn out differently." Trowa says softly.  
  
My mind starts to whirl in a flash. I can't leave, not just like that. My gaze locks with Wufei. He knows, and there's a dull pain in his expression that says he can't help me make this choice.  
  
"I guess we leave now." Chase agrees. She isn't thrilled, but she's going back. She's made her choice.  
  
"It's for the best." Quatre nods.  
  
All of a sudden it's come down to two options for me. Who do I care about more at this moment? Chase or my son?  
  
I make my choice. I can't leave her now, and I can't let her go alone. Maybe we will come back, someday. I nod my agreement and step forward to say my good-byes.  
  
As I hug Wufei, I unclasp my necklace and place it around his neck. It holds two charms now, my star and my wedding band. The band is like Duo, so precious I can't keep it, but there's no way for me to let it go.  
  
He gives me a questioning look. "So you'll remember me." I say with a sad smile.  
  
He laughs softly. "You would be hard to forget, Anna Maxwell. You'll be back." He tells me.  
  
I nod. "Bye, for now Fei-chan." I say. I move back and stand by Chase.  
  
The light swells around us, and I whisper one more goodbye to my husband, and murmur a goodbye to my boy.  
  
Lauren Malloy stared at the rain pelting her window. The father of a friend had died, and today was his memorial. (And the rain will fall.)  
  
1.1 Every time it rains, it rains  
  
Pennies from heaven  
  
Don't you know each cloud contains,  
  
Pennies from heaven.  
  
Trade them for a package of  
  
Sunshine and flowers  
  
If you want the things you love,  
  
You must have showers.  
  
So when you hear it thunder  
  
Don't run under a tree.  
  
There'll be pennies from heaven  
  
For you and me. 


End file.
